<i> am still <here>, prospectless, but <alive> and <<day>dreaming> of <Frankensteinian <creatures>> and <androids>
and what things might look like if everything wasn’t always so hard.
Tag: reflection
-
Happy Birthday Mary Wollsontecraft Shelley!
<i> am taking some <pto> and tryng to stay off <screens>. But <i> <wanted> to <inform / remind> folks that today is Mary Wollsontecraft Shelley’s birthday. (note, <i> always <try> to include the dual last names out of <respect/ reverence> for her <lineage>.)
<i> did a <reading / ritual> for her <using> one of <my> <favorite / beloveded> decks (Tarotbot black) as her <work / writing> <trailblazed> <unhuman> <narratives>, <creating> <space> for the <science fiction> <we> are familiar with today.
it <felt> <appropriate>, the victorians <loved> the occult and there is an <interesting> <correlation/ inclusion> of <spirituality> in <science fiction> that <feels> partly like the <offspring> of the <emergence> of the <genre> and the victorian <fascination> with the occult.
Tonight, in veneration, <my partner> and <i> will <brew> some chai and start Alien:Earth. RIP Mary, you would have loved androids.
-
Disposable
<I> didn’t put that <word> <under erasure> because <i> <know> that’s how <i> <feel>. <i> have been <informed> that <i> can keep <working> until november, but there’s no <budget> for <my> role after that. <funny> (not haha) how even at a small <non-profit> the c-suites can travel to rome on the org’s <dime> for a <conference> and <earn> 100k more than their <employees>, but <we> have to be <cut>.
the capitalist structures <we> <live under> do not help the disposability <i> frequently <feel>. the <hopes> that when <i> <leave>, someone will stay <in touch> are <always> <killed off> by lack of texts back and <deferred> plans to meet up. <i> am somehow always <filling>; impossible to miss when <i> am there, but <my> <absence> doesn’t seem to <matter>.
<i> <wrote> a line in an almost <love> <poem> once. it goes: “i don’t want to be seen; / i need to be felt”. it <speaks> to <my> disposability, the way <i> get <told> <i> do <good work> and that <my> <contributions> are <greatly appreciated>; when <i> am <physically> <visible> and <helping> there is <appreciation>. But <i> don’t <think / believe> <i> am <felt> in most spaces. at least not in a manner that <creates> a <void> sensation when <i> am <gone / absent>.
is <this> a <failure> of <me> or <others>?
-
<finding> motivation
it is so <easy> to <fall / trip> into <complacency> or out of <good> habits when <i> am <stressed / anxious / angry>. <i> am <proud? of <myself> that this <time> <i> didn’t <fall off> of <my> cleaning and meal prep habits; cannot <afford> to <buying> lunch when <money> might be <tight> <soon> and <clean> spaces are something within <my> <control>. But <writing> is <harder> habit for <me> to <keep up> with when <struggling>.
but <here> (<i> <think>) <i> <am>. <reviewing> proofs, <writing> handouts, and scheduling trainings and trainers, <pretending> that <we> all <might not> be continuing <our> work come September.
<i> asked <my> favorite tarot deck (The Cyber Deck: tarot for the future; a deck <i> <found> at a thrift store in a cassette tape case) for <general> <advice> and <pulled> manacles (<suggesting> unfair actions and time to break old habits and start new things to avoid <feeling> trapped), peacemaker (which, <interestingly>, reads as destruction of all that matters and broken dreams–though perhaps overstated), and the hanged man in reverse (<he> speaks of sacrifice, the influence of society, and a need for purpose and inward searching when viewed as though <he> were upright).
<foreboding>, surely. but there is also <comfort> in being <reassured> that <living> is <hard> and the <uncaring> <we> have <allowed> to be <in charge> are making things worse. (<i> am certain about that worse, it is not <under erasure>.)
<purpose> and <lives> will have to <shift> for <survival>. And it will be <hard>. and while <watching> Andor last night, <i> was <reminded> that those who do <care> and <hold> some power will also have to make <hard> choices. Rebellion against empire is not without sacrifice.
-
why do <you> <write> like that?
Depends on what is <meant / intended> by “like that.” as a visual <poet> and zine <creator>, <i> <wanted / desired> a visual way to convey <uncertainty / impreciseness> in <my> <writing>. the <written> word is a beautifully imperfect way of <communicating> that <asks / requires> the <writer> to constantly be making language choices. and these choices are frequently never <perfect>. <communication can never be perfect>.
<i> was <inspired> by a few different <philosophers / artists> to use angle brackets to <visualize / convey> uncertainty. like a good little grad school <student>, <i> read <theory>, lots and lots of <theory>. and <i> had a <<post> structuralist / deconstructionist> phase, which included plenty of Derrida and a desire for the <pursuit> of <creative> <writing> that could <visualize / verbalize> “sous rature” in <interesting / narratively productive> ways. Derrida (and yes, Heidegger is the <primary> source for this, but <i> have yet to locate a <desire> to <read> Heidegger) would <visualize> this in his own <writing> for <signifiers / words> that he <felt / believed> were “inadequate yet necessary” by <striking through / placing under erasure> the <inadequately necessary> words. <i> have <chosen / selected> the angle bracket for <my> own form of marking <erasure>. it is not a <form> of <writing> <i> always <employ / use>; <obviously> <i> don’t write like this in day-to-day correspondence and in the materials <i> create for work, and <poetry> that <i> want to send out for publication takes on a more <normal> structure. but blog posts and zines are a <adequate / appropriate> medium for <writing> in this experiential style.
it’s also a way <i> used to express <my> own self uncertainty. <i> even wrote a zine about placing <myself> <under erasure>.
but what about the forward slash in-between the bracketed words sometimes? <my> utilization of this was <inspired / provoked> by the translation of the board in control. in control the board is the <inter / intra> dimensional entity that the director of the federal bureau of control <answers to / get help from>. this / these entities are <incomprehensible> visually and auditorily. when they are speaking to Jessie in the game, their <garble> is translated in subtitles. But much in the way that derrida <writes> about words <containing / encompassing> both the <curse> and the <cure>, many of the phrases and words that are <translated> from the board <translate> into uncertainty which is <visualized / verbalized> in the subtitles by <displaying / offering> the <duplicating> meanings with forward slashes between them. and everything the board says is under <erasure> by already being an <interpretation> as all <translation> is, and this is <written / visualize> via the use of angle brackets. <i> don’t use it in <exactly> the same way, but <i> enjoy the <visualization> and slightly more <precision> of <visually> displaying the <words> <i> was deciding amongst, <folding / including> the multitude of <meaning> hiding in all <language>.
there is also the additional <bonus> of <odd / funky> formatting <disrupting / disturbing> the scraping of <ai / algorithmic <<re>production>>.
-
poem WIP: <burnout>
<working> on this <draft> to figure out if it is more than just <me> processing <my feelings> about dropping out of grad school and not sending poetry out to journals for <almost> a decade now. <i> always <wrote> the most when <i> was <unhappy / depressed>.
now.
happy-loved-wasted potential.
the lines never stuttered when i was
living on hot sauced drenched curly fries
and extra-large, extra-sweet coffees,
white knuckled and split lipped,
trauma and guts spilling out to strangers in writing workshops
winning scholarships, publishing poems.
now.
happy-loved-wasted potential.
when was the last time you created?
I don't know how to write joy.
perhaps because it fled upon crossing home's threshold.
or is it the other way around
and i failed to narrate it into existence,
neglecting the little sparks that collectively
build warmth even in the cold and filth.
now.
happy-loved-wasted potential.
what comes to you in your space of comfort? -
feelings <embodiment>
In our culture, it can be easy to intellectualize our emotions, processing them in our mind, rather than feeling them with our bodies. What is a word or phrase you can say to yourself as a reminder to feel your emotions fully?
this <question> appeared in one of the weekly newsletter the organization <i> <work / labor> for sends out. it’s <sitting / landing> with <me> a bit awkwardly. <i> <know> that <I> am really good at intellectualizing <my feelings> after the fact, but <i> needed to do some <reflecting> to think through <if / how> <i> <embody feelings> in the moment.
as an <autistic being> who used to <over-embody> emotions as a child — <i> would cry for every single emotion — it took a lot of learning <regulation skills> to stop the instant <embodiment> of tears. there was a lot of <practice> in holding back until <i> was in a <comfortable / safe> place to let them out. now <i> <worry / fear> that <i> overcompensated. <i> can <feel / sense> the emotion <clinging> to <me> internally; and <they> are large and block <my> ability to <verbally communicate> until the intensity of them has <died> down.
that said, <i> do find that <words> also fail in helping <me> <embody my emotions> enough to reach a place of <productive> communication. in order to <embody> <I> need to connect to <my body> via movement. deep breaths are the first step in <regulation>, followed by a movement that is based on what <emotion> is being worked through. <anxiety / uncertainty> can be eased through with rocking — standing or sitting — and fidgeting with <things>. <sadness / anger> usually work through my body faster if <i> do harder physical movement — <nothing> felt quite as nice as roller derby practice for working through the oscillating <anger / sadness> of <pms>. and for <happiness / joy> bouncing is <my> <unmasked embodiment>.
if <i> had to use a <verbal> reminder to work through <my> <embodiment>, something like <move / un-still> might work. <i> will have to give it a <try>.