Tag: mental health

  • job search rant

    job searching as a neurodivergent being is a nightmare. i am not super committed to the concept of being a human, but fuck does the job search process feel so fucking dehumanizing.

    After less than a year at a job it took me eight months to find, i am getting laid off. i had asked in the interview about job longevity and they up-talked all these future projects they would have for me to work on designing and running. i do not know what i expected, xtians are pros at lying.

    so here i am now, browsing the classifieds most of my work day and it is a hellscape. fake jobs. jobs with hundreds of applicants who already applied. jobs with too low a pay for unrealistic requirements.

    The worst of it al is how much AI has seeped into the job market at every level.

    Most places do their entire first screening of applicants using an ATS. This means that you need to make sure your resume and cover letter have exact language from the job posting or their AI will toss your application out. Paraphrasing, equivalent phrasing, and personal narratives will not correctly parse in these systems. You will be rejected despite all your experience. It is so notoriously bad, the state runs workshops on how to apply so you can get past this initial screening. If a system is this broken, it should be scrapped.

    i cannot help but feel that places which claim to want creativity but use ATS do not want genuine creative minds, they want some mild salsa.

    What is even worse it that ATS is the reason you have to submit a resume and cover letter only to reinput all that information into text boxes. These systems cannot properly read pdfs with even the most bare bones formatting.

    Then there is the pseudoscience personality tests. These are about as accurate in learning about someone as a Buzzfeed quiz (and at least a Buzzfeed quiz is fun). Arbitrary values are assigned to emotions and actions that are void of context that would help my neurodivergent brain determine if i would be feeling those emotions or not and if they are appropriate for the situation or not–no one is always “confident” or “Self-assured.” And what the fuck is “emotional” supposed to tell you. Beings are always experiencing emotions, and the level and type of emotion changes throughout the day.

    If a job application makes you take one of these, they definitely use a cult-y “team / org building” system that is used in place of building genuine relationships and connections.

    my soon to be former employer uses Outward Mindset, which mainly remind cis-het white dudes (it is created by mormons, barf) that empathy is important and that other people have feelings too. It also pushes principles such as “don’t gather up allies when facing a problem,” which feels like anti-union culture. It can also be use by C-suites and managers to ignore complaints and accuse staff of “thinking inward” when they have grievances.

    Fuck this corporate culture shit!

    At least with job applications i can just plop in the language from the job posting in my resume so that the hiring company’s AI likes it. There is no workaround the culture cult that decides your autistic ass is not a good fit because you feel emotions and need to verbally process problems with other people.

    Fuck corpos, burn shit, lynch the landlord. i hope they are consumed and crushed by the systems they have created.

  • Disposable

    <I> didn’t put that <word> <under erasure> because <i> <know> that’s how <i> <feel>. <i> have been <informed> that <i> can keep <working> until november, but there’s no <budget> for <my> role after that. <funny> (not haha) how even at a small <non-profit> the c-suites can travel to rome on the org’s <dime> for a <conference> and <earn> 100k more than their <employees>, but <we> have to be <cut>.

    the capitalist structures <we> <live under> do not help the disposability <i> frequently <feel>. the <hopes> that when <i> <leave>, someone will stay <in touch> are <always> <killed off> by lack of texts back and <deferred> plans to meet up. <i> am somehow always <filling>; impossible to miss when <i> am there, but <my> <absence> doesn’t seem to <matter>.

    <i> <wrote> a line in an almost <love> <poem> once. it goes: “i don’t want to be seen; / i need to be felt”. it <speaks> to <my> disposability, the way <i> get <told> <i> do <good work> and that <my> <contributions> are <greatly appreciated>; when <i> am <physically> <visible> and <helping> there is <appreciation>. But <i> don’t <think / believe> <i> am <felt> in most spaces. at least not in a manner that <creates> a <void> sensation when <i> am <gone / absent>.

    is <this> a <failure> of <me> or <others>?

  • feelings <embodiment>

    In our culture, it can be easy to intellectualize our emotions, processing them in our mind, rather than feeling them with our bodies. What is a word or phrase you can say to yourself as a reminder to feel your emotions fully?

    this <question> appeared in one of the weekly newsletter the organization <i> <work / labor> for sends out. it’s <sitting / landing> with <me> a bit awkwardly. <i> <know> that <I> am really good at intellectualizing <my feelings> after the fact, but <i> needed to do some <reflecting> to think through <if / how> <i> <embody feelings> in the moment.

    as an <autistic being> who used to <over-embody> emotions as a child — <i> would cry for every single emotion — it took a lot of learning <regulation skills> to stop the instant <embodiment> of tears. there was a lot of <practice> in holding back until <i> was in a <comfortable / safe> place to let them out. now <i> <worry / fear> that <i> overcompensated. <i> can <feel / sense> the emotion <clinging> to <me> internally; and <they> are large and block <my> ability to <verbally communicate> until the intensity of them has <died> down.

    that said, <i> do find that <words> also fail in helping <me> <embody my emotions> enough to reach a place of <productive> communication. in order to <embody> <I> need to connect to <my body> via movement. deep breaths are the first step in <regulation>, followed by a movement that is based on what <emotion> is being worked through. <anxiety / uncertainty> can be eased through with rocking — standing or sitting — and fidgeting with <things>. <sadness / anger> usually work through my body faster if <i> do harder physical movement — <nothing> felt quite as nice as roller derby practice for working through the oscillating <anger / sadness> of <pms>. and for <happiness / joy> bouncing is <my> <unmasked embodiment>.

    if <i> had to use a <verbal> reminder to work through <my> <embodiment>, something like <move / un-still> might work. <i> will have to give it a <try>.